Hiyo!

School start for the second day already. Well, I feel quite okay though. Maybe its the first few days, I'm finishing my homework on time and on that day itself. But.. *siGh* today is the 29th again. 29th June. It shud be the 10th month already. I just suddenly feel that my heart is almost breaking now. tearing apart. I wanna cry but i can't. No more tears left? I dunno.

Maybe coz no mood... I oso dunno wad else can I write. maybe I'll update later!

*siGh*

So boring at home! Actually, just came back from my friend's house. Went over to see which song we will sing for talentime. Other that than, I'm so bored at home. Nothing to do. No one to sms. No one to call and talk to on the phone.

Still got lots of homework that I haven do and I'm lazy to do. Firstly, I hate Chemistry so I dun feel like doing the homework. Secondly, English. The comprehension passage is so damn boring. Its about some tea industry thing.*boriNg* Thirdly, Maths. I hate the teacher which might have made me hate the subject now. I used to get good grades for maths in lower sec but now, the teacher sux!

Wonder what time mum will call me to go out for dinner. I've got nothing to do at home. Rotting. Actually, not nothing is dun wan to do. Haha. Think I'm getting fatter and fatter these days. I have been eating more than 3 meals a day and they are not small meals even. Looks like when school reopens, I have to be on a diet. I can save money and slim down. Hehe.

*siGh*

Yesterday, went out with my friend to Orchard and walk around and took some pictures. At night, I dunno wad's wrong or wad came over me, I went to help me add a testimonial at friendster. But, i think he went to reject it. Silly me rite? I know it perfectly well that there will be more chances of him rejecting it. Yet, I still went to help him add a testimonial.

I'm still waiting. Waiting for the day when he's no longer angrie. Waiting for the day when he sms me, saying that he is no longer angrie. But will that day ever come? I dunno. Its silly of me to wait and even to write a testimonial for him isn't it? Maybe, that day wun come. My boi boi also sae he can't understand me sometimes. Okay, my boi boi is just a good fren, don't think till so far. Maybe, none of my friends can. Because, I myself also cannot understand myself. I know he wun accept it, yet I continue writing the testimonial for him, wishing him all the best in everything he do and for his 'O' levels. Maybe, he doesn't even wish me well for this kinda things. But I still do.

*siGh* Maybe boi boi's rite. I'm going to suffer when he's going to Malaysia for the next few days. No one will be there to comfort me when I cry. Its not that there will be no one. It should be no one is free. Even Chinn Yi, I have called her less often for my problems. I think I shouldn't go and talk to her about them anymore. Its not even her problem, yet I sort of pester her with my problems.

..What should I do?..

*siGh*

Firstly, I wanna say sorrie. Sorrie to those who have accompanied me to spend my time, hoping that I can forget him more easily last week. But the efforts are all gone. And also, sorrie Francis. I know I promised to forget you. I know I promised not to cry for you and I know i promised not to cut myself. But all were not done. I cut myself a few days ago. I'm sorrie.

I really tried my best to forget you. But, I really can't. I'm just hoping that time can heal the wound. Hoping that u can find the girl u love and loves you alot. Hoping that I can find a guy that treats me as well as u treat me. But, I dun think I can ever find one. At least, not one that can treat me the way you treat me, the way you pamper me. But when you find a ger that you love and loves you deeply, love and pamper her like you did to me.

Actually, I just being naive. He wun come and visit this blog. Why did I write things that are meant for him to read? He will never come here. I'm just being silly. Thinking too much.

Anyway, I'm off to complete my homework. I may update later again.

*siGh*

Wonder what has exactly happened today. I'm thinking of him all over again. My efforts for the last few days has all gone down the drain. I haven been thinking abt him for the last few days and I really kept myself busy. At least, I was happier. Today, I dunno wad happened.

I tried but failed. I really tried my very best. The things still came back to me. I really tried my best. Not because of the friendship, but also for my own sake. School is reopening. I have to face him every single day again. I have to give my very best in the next semester. I dunno. I am really confused. I thot things have changed for the better for me. I thought I have forgotten a little of him already. I thought my efforts have paid off a bit. But things didn't change for the better. They seemed to have be the same for me. They seem to be making me feel worse. Its not the memories this time. I dunno what isit that is making me think of him.

*siGh* Lets just hope that things will get better, really better for me for the next few days.

Yoz!

Can't believe that I'm still awake at this time of the day. I'm bored and I can't sleep. Doing nothing online except downloading songs. Everyone is asleep or for some that I know, have gone clubbing already. Alone. Again. Haven't went to touch on my website thingy since yesterday.

I'm so full after the dinner. Had so many dishes since itwas a buffet. My aunt and my parents ordered so much and we finished them all. So unbelievable. I had a bet with my sister and my father that this match tonite of the euro cup would be 2-1 or have a total of three goals. But its already half-time and there are still no goals. Guess my sister would be right this time. *siGh*

Hiz!

Went for a lesson early in the morning today. I got stuck onto my bed though. It was supposed to be a 8.30 class. I onli woke up at 7.20 and went off at 8.00. Well, the teacher was later than me so I was considered early.

Decided to add an entry now because I won't be free at night. Going for a Fathers' Day dinner. As usual, the vain me me will again take a very long time to get ready and choose my clothes. Wonder if there'll be red wine like the dinner before. Wanted to drink alcoholic drinks out of a sudden. =x

Is he getting out of my head slowly? I don't seem ti miss him these few days. I just hope that things don't get too difficult for me when school reopens and I have to see him everyday sitting just two rows in front of me. I really have to forget him before the school reopens. Or else, it will be a doubly tougher job when school reopens. Seeing him everyday. Handing up assignments to him. And also, free periods will be the god-damn most torturing one. He will be sitting with his friends, if not, playing with my friend. I dun blame her though. He says he don't like her then fine. But I just feel jealous. Funny me.

This is me. The funny one. Haha.. Okay. I'll update tonight if I have the time.

Hiz!

Let's see. I was busy the whole of today. Only now, I've got some time to update my diary here. I'm busy doing my webpage today. But it's still nto completed and I'm not really pleased with it yet. So when it's done I'll put it up here too. Feel very contented today. Although, I start to miss him again. I wonder is he's still angrie with me. Anyway, why should I care rite? I shouldn't care about him anymore. He wanna make friends with me again, he will.

I've done about 6 pages for my website already. Now I finally know why people can spent long hours sitting in front of the computer just to design their own website. But at least, I kept myself busy and not think of HIM. Maybe he will just get out of my mind soon and I'll forget everything about me loving him and everything. But the memories, they will be kept in my heart. I promise. He told me not to forget anyone that came in my life in the past. So if the others are not to be forgotten, what makes him special then?

Had maths lessons today again. Spent three hours in school, just going through one test paper from the other school. This proves that the teacher is naggy and long-winded and the list goes on... Although didn't manage to buy a present for my dad again this year for Fathers' Day, I've made a card for him. Although, its not very nice and looks as though it lacks of sincerity, but I guess, its the thoughts that count rite? Haha..

Anyway, wishing all dads an early Happy Fathers' Day!

Hiya!

Lots of things happening these few days. My life suckz! Last few days have been going to school. It's suppossed to be a holiday, isn't it? But, for this whole week, I'm suppossed to go back to school. And its not for an hour or so. Its for about 7 or 8 hours per day. Its even worse than a normal school day.

Secondly, I felt very relieved today. Not because of what someone doing anything or saying anything. But its just simply because I don't seem to feel anything for him when I saw him today. I wonder why. But I did something. I actually broke my promise and cut my hand. It was his chinese name. If he can break every, single promise, so can I. Maybe, i really had enough. Had enough of me not as determined as before. Had enough of myself crying for a guy who don't deserve my tears. Had enough of myself torturing myself. I miss him everyday and it's making me suffer. Sometimes, its silly of me to think of one who don't even bother about my feelings anymore.

Have I really done myself something good? Can I really dun set aside a time to miss him everyday? I hope so. Maybe things are changing for the better. Maybe, its time to wait to be found by a guy who really loves and treasure me.. What's the use of stopping in the middle of the road when there is still a long way ahead of me rite?.. hEeZ~*

Hiyo!

Long time never update already. That period of time, my computer was down you see. I cried last two days again. The first time that I cried again was because I was my fren's hp. I saw many sms-es from him to her. He seems to have take a liking to her. *siGh* What should I do? I just cried out and called him. He said he don't like her but, he wants her to be in his dream, he says that he misses her and says that he will sayang her the next day for I-don't-know what reason. I was hurt. Deeply hurt.

Second time I cried was yesterday. I really missed him. I missed him too much. I had rather that I did not see him. As we had a class outing yesterday, on the way there, he had even sms her even on the bus. I peeped and saw something like "you were supposed to be in my dream" and saying something like "i dreamt of you last nite.." That were the things he used to tell me. On the way back, as I sat with someone else and she was sitting alone, he went over and sat with her. *siGh* They were playing together. I kept myself busy. I talked to my friends, I sms-ed a fren who was on the same bus at me and I tried my very best not to look but nothing helps. I will try and glance over. Juz for a little peek. Last few weeks when I didn't see him at all, I felt happier as I had friends and family to keep me company. Yesterday, I missed him all over again. I cried all over again. I tried to hold them back for a very long time. But when I wanted to put them down and tok to my frens about it, they fell. *siGh* Both says he don't like her. But evidence don't say so. Should I believe my own eyes, or should I believe them? I trusted the both of them once. But both of them destroyed the trust together. I give up. I lost the game of love to him. I'm his first love. He should be the one losing. Yet I was the one. I forget them after every cry and after some cuts to myself. I promised him not to cut, I did as I promised. He asked me not to cry for him, yet I still do.

I wished you hadn't told me not to hold back my tears. This came with a promise. A promise of still staying by my side after we break. A promise that you will still dry and clean my tears and I can look for you after we break. But that promise is gone. You kept it after we break. But too many things happened between us. Too many that you gave up the promises. All the promises. You promised to love me forever, no matter how many girlfriend or even if you don't marry me, I will always have a place in your heart. You promised that you will celebrate our birthdays, christmas, new year and valentine's day every single year with me. You promised that you will celebrate them with me after we break. You promised me that we will open a chocolate cafe in the future, even if we each have our own spouses. All this promises, they were gone. Gone too quickly. Too many things, I felt that we haven done. Like counting down to Christmas. Like celebrating your birthday. We haven done all that as promised. Finally, I lost the game. Once and the first time.

I let you go when you wanted a break-up, in exchange with you not hating me, with you continue loving me, with you promising me that you wun stead with other girls, but you didn't keep your promise. You stopped loving me and is even beginning to hate me and even tell me that you don't want to keep the promise of not steading other girls. I promised to let go and forget, because you promised a friendship in exchange for this. I tried and am trying very hard. You didn't keep your promise. I kept mine. And I am still keeping all those made in the past. But they can only be done with you. I promise you, I will try and forget you. What about you? Where's the friendship that you promised? When I trust you, you broke my trust. When I don't trust you, you blame me and feel disappointed. Now, I trusted you, yet you are not keeping your promise.

*siGh*

I broke my own promise to myself. I called him again. *siGh* I found out he changed his hp number. I found out that he had blocked me in his MSN. The reason which I think is because he had put his hp number as his nick. I called him. He didn't wanna tell me abt the number. What can I do now? I didn't save the number even though I saw it. I respect his decision. But he promised me. He promised me that he will inform me abt his hp number changes, his address changes. Why? He broken them again. My tears flowed down again. I dunno. Why did I cry all over again for him? I told myself not to cry already. I promised him that i wun cry for him anymore. But why isit that my eyes still get wet and my tears still fall for him?

I'm feeling terrible now. I feel like a failure. What can I do to make myself happy and not think of him anymore? I really wanna forget him very much. But I cannot. I dunno why myself. I always get over relationships in about two months. But what happened now? Juz because he changed his hp number without telling me, i feel so depressed and sad and start to cry. Why am I doing all these to myself? Sufferring. Torturing. I had enough of all these. I wanna be happy. The me I used to be. All over again. But.. why can't I do it anymore? I used to be determined. but not anymore. I had enough of me all these while. Why isit that I find it so hard to change now?

Yoz!

I called him again yesterday. I can always only last 2 days without calling him. Anyway, when i called him last night wasn't regarding anything personal. I just asked him to tell me when his anger has been appeased. What else can I do? I feel like telling him that the flag day we are doing is at the earlier slot tomorrow. But he will scold me again. Or maybe Kleo has already told him. Why make myself so extra? Should I or should I not tell? I treat him as a fren, so as a fren, I should or should not? *siGh* Stressed out. Totally stressed out. Feel that I just need someone who really loves and pampers me. If I can find that person, I really will go into a relationship with him. But will I still think if Francis when I am with him? *dilemma*

I wanna go out later. But, I dun haf much money with me now. How? I wanna go out with my ex-schoolmate. Quite a long time that i never see her already. But, its the money that matters now. Coz mum have already given the nod. Maybe I can use what she left behind for us? But its only ten buck and she warned us not to eat instant noodles anymore. Regretted keep forgetting to ask from her. But I doubt she will return to me even if i ask it from her.I'll think about it again anyway.

Hiyo!

Perhaps I really can live without him by my side. I have been controlling myself alot alot. I haf kept my fingers away from his phone numbers and I have not talked to him for 2 days. Yeps, I missed him but wad can I do? I promised myself that I will forget him and I will not let myself down. I cannot. After the June Holidays, the next school term is very important for me. Too important for me. I cannot afford to have any distractions. Yesterday, went out on a movie marathon with Chinn Yi and my brother. Whoa, spent $50 dollars in total for two people. I'm broke. I have to save again for the skirt that I wanted to buy. *siGh*

Took out about $22 dollars yesterday. Could have used that amount of money to buy that pink skirt that I have looking at for a long time. Now, I have save all over again. I believe I can do it. Commenting on the two movies I watched yesterday. Okay, lets see. Shrek 2 was nice but not Harry Potter. Harry Potter was disappointing. The movie was boring. I got restless in the last part of the show. But my brother seem to have enjoyed it a lot. These few days have to cooped up at home because I'm totally broke.

I have been controlling myself well, haven't I? I can stay away for him for 2 days. Okay, lets see this time how long I can last. The last time was also only a few days and I cannot stop myself. This time, I'm more determined. Wonder if it helps more and also with my friends now accompanying me more often. I now totally agree when people says, "When a door of hapiness closes, another door or window will be opened for you..." I used to disagree a lot. But now, no more. Ever since I broke up with Francis, although I lost him, I seem to have get along with more friends now. Is that the open door for me? I think so. Maybe it is not. At least I think so. I can comfort myself better and can stay away from his phone numbers easier. Anyway, I'm happier these few days. A really big thank you to those who really cared about me and accompanied me these few days.

Hiya!

Woke up quite early today despite the fact that I slpet quite late at night yesterday. Sudeenly went to read the loggings of MSN of me and my ex on the day we brk and the days after we brk and I was oso thinking of the games we played after we break. Why can't everything be the same like the past? I cannot believe that after almost two months, reading the loggings, I can still cry because of them. First guy to make me do so. Unbelievable. I think I am no longer the past me. I changed. I used to be able to get over relationships fast and also handles these setbacks sensibly. But, this time, to my disappointment, I cannot do the same to this relationship. Why? Isit I have become more soft-hearted after being with him? I used to hold back my tears whenever I feel like crying but he once told me not to and we both read on Reader's Digest that holding back tears wasn't good for health and causes heart dieases. Afterdat, he often ask me not to hold back my tears. Isit because of this reason that I am not as "strong" as before?

Wondering.

Hiya!

First time using this blog. Fun though. I intend to throw away my past, just remember them as part of my life. What is there for me to remember of him? He's heartless. Why not just forget him? Remembering him is a torture. Forgetting is just another torutre for me. Wad shud I choose? Forgetting. At least, it is only a torture for a period of my life. By remembering, my whole life is torture. I'm still young you know. Why shud I just depend my life on a guy who doesn't even love me now, who even hates me now? True love doesn't turn into hatred. I dun hate anyone that I once loved. Although they are all not true love, but at least why make my life miserable by hating them and hating the one who hates me. Hating someone is a waste of energy and also stimulates the growth of more white hair. Haha.

Everything in life must be remembered as a lesson learnt. What is life if there isn't anything for you to think back? It is meaningless way of living and also a very, very boring life, isn't it? He wants to hate me, wants to treat me like an enemy but why should I do the same. Like I said, waste of energy. Why should I make another foe instead of another friend. I'm very nice, I will treat him like a normal classmate who I don't talk to. Haha. Its his loss though. Someone told me once, "to let go of someone who love you,its your loss. If another person lets go of you who still loves him, its his loss.." Well, I use this to comfort myself. It makes me feel a lot better.

Low JiaQian
01 October 1988
Libra
Staff Nurse

Graduation! - 22 MAy 2008
Sentosa Trip! - 26 July 2008
Trip to Night Safari! - 11 October 2008

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