.Tuesday, June 15, 2004 Y
Hiyo!
Long time never update already. That period of time, my computer was down you see. I cried last two days again. The first time that I cried again was because I was my fren's hp. I saw many sms-es from him to her. He seems to have take a liking to her. *siGh* What should I do? I just cried out and called him. He said he don't like her but, he wants her to be in his dream, he says that he misses her and says that he will sayang her the next day for I-don't-know what reason. I was hurt. Deeply hurt.
Second time I cried was yesterday. I really missed him. I missed him too much. I had rather that I did not see him. As we had a class outing yesterday, on the way there, he had even sms her even on the bus. I peeped and saw something like "you were supposed to be in my dream" and saying something like "i dreamt of you last nite.." That were the things he used to tell me. On the way back, as I sat with someone else and she was sitting alone, he went over and sat with her. *siGh* They were playing together. I kept myself busy. I talked to my friends, I sms-ed a fren who was on the same bus at me and I tried my very best not to look but nothing helps. I will try and glance over. Juz for a little peek. Last few weeks when I didn't see him at all, I felt happier as I had friends and family to keep me company. Yesterday, I missed him all over again. I cried all over again. I tried to hold them back for a very long time. But when I wanted to put them down and tok to my frens about it, they fell. *siGh* Both says he don't like her. But evidence don't say so. Should I believe my own eyes, or should I believe them? I trusted the both of them once. But both of them destroyed the trust together. I give up. I lost the game of love to him. I'm his first love. He should be the one losing. Yet I was the one. I forget them after every cry and after some cuts to myself. I promised him not to cut, I did as I promised. He asked me not to cry for him, yet I still do.
I wished you hadn't told me not to hold back my tears. This came with a promise. A promise of still staying by my side after we break. A promise that you will still dry and clean my tears and I can look for you after we break. But that promise is gone. You kept it after we break. But too many things happened between us. Too many that you gave up the promises. All the promises. You promised to love me forever, no matter how many girlfriend or even if you don't marry me, I will always have a place in your heart. You promised that you will celebrate our birthdays, christmas, new year and valentine's day every single year with me. You promised that you will celebrate them with me after we break. You promised me that we will open a chocolate cafe in the future, even if we each have our own spouses. All this promises, they were gone. Gone too quickly. Too many things, I felt that we haven done. Like counting down to Christmas. Like celebrating your birthday. We haven done all that as promised. Finally, I lost the game. Once and the first time.
I let you go when you wanted a break-up, in exchange with you not hating me, with you continue loving me, with you promising me that you wun stead with other girls, but you didn't keep your promise. You stopped loving me and is even beginning to hate me and even tell me that you don't want to keep the promise of not steading other girls. I promised to let go and forget, because you promised a friendship in exchange for this. I tried and am trying very hard. You didn't keep your promise. I kept mine. And I am still keeping all those made in the past. But they can only be done with you. I promise you, I will try and forget you. What about you? Where's the friendship that you promised? When I trust you, you broke my trust. When I don't trust you, you blame me and feel disappointed. Now, I trusted you, yet you are not keeping your promise.
waiting for you right here
5:07:00 PM
