Hiyo!

Wierd me today. During my Literature paper today, when I was writing the date, I wrote 290803. Weird me rite? That's the day we started our story though. Its supposed to be the 11th month today if we didn't have a break-up. No use looking back and regret.

Anyway, today is the end of my CA4. Finally. Nothing to stress about now. Concentrate on the Natinal Day thingy. So fun to be in charge. Can do so many things and the things that you want. This is the last year though. Must treasure the next few months. Sound as though I'm dying. Haha. Anyway, nothing much today as well.

Hiyo!

Had a quite wonderful day today. Had a surprise early in the morning. Well, I dunno if he gave the marshmallow to me willingly, but, I liked it though. Wonder why did Kai Jie pass the bottle of his marshmallow to me, asking me to take one. Maybe it was just Kai Jie disturbing me, better not think too much. Wonder what's wrong with me though... After I finished my Chinese paper just now, I suddenly wrote a lot of funny funny things on a piece of paper. Many things. Maybe, I should admit that they consist of memories. =x I'm sorry, guys. To everyone out there who is asking me to forget and to the one that I had promised him to forget him, I really sorry. I know I shouldn't be thinking of the memories anymore. If we are meant to be, he will return to me one day, no matter how long it takes rite?

However, the bad part of today is that my maths paper - gone case. There is so many questions that I dunno how to do and there are some which I found my answers wierd. Oh my god! I cannot fail anymore subjects. I'm gonna get screamed at by my mother!! Haha. But, I will look at the brighter side, hoping everything will go well for me this CA coz I actually passed my Physics! Haha. Also, during my maths paper, dunno what has gone over me, I started having block nose and sneezing and eventually runny nose. But that made Chinn Yi irritated. Haha. Coz my deep breaths and sneezing disturbed her and she threw a packet of tissue over to me. Thanks ger! I needed that pack of tissue badly. One of the bitchters and my crap friend for four years. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Hehe.

 

*siGh*

I'm sorrie. I didn't mean what I had said. I once promised myself that no matter how harsh you treat me, I wun treat you the same way. I dun care who's going to read my blog now. I really regret everything. I broke all my promises. What can I say about you?.. I broke mine too.... I'm sorrie.

I dunno if he has changed his blog address. I dunno if he is still reading my blog and looking out if I am still scolding him. But, I dun wanna change mine anymore. I really regretted everything. I'm sorry. I dunno why. I still care about him, but why do I still do? I dunno. I still wanna noe how is he getting along now, but why? I dunno. I still wanna know if he's still angrie with me, but why when I already know the answer? I dunno. I still wanna know if he's coping with his studies, but why? I dunno as well. I don't have the right to care. I don't wanna care. But I still do. *siGh* I'm just starting to regret all that I have said to him. Its too harsh. I agree. I'm sorrie...

*siGh*
 
Today is the mark of the third month since the break-up. *siGh* Really wonder how I had lived past those three months without him. Maybe I really have to thank all my friends. To "celebrate" this day, I went to the movies with Kleo to watch Mean Girls. But today afternoon, I really wasn't in a very good mood. After I bought the tickets, I suddenly don't feel like watching the movie already. Wierd me right? I just dunno why. Maybe because thinking of whether if I should buy a present for him on his birthday. *siGh* I dunno if I should buy it for him. I dunno if he will decide to throw it away. I wanted to just write him a card. But I think it lacks of sincerity and also, he spent a lot on my birthday last year. When I think of buying him a present, I dunno what to buy. I dunno if he will accept it. Maybe its even silly of me to even think about it.
 
Wonder why, a few days ago, Kleo told me a supposedly a good news for me, but, I dun feel happy at all. The "good news" was that he said that he cannot hide from me forever, which means that he wun avoid me anymore rite? I should be happy that he decides that we will be friends one day again rite? But then, I felt more stressed and depressed. I dunno why. I dun even feel any bit of happiness. But, this is contradicting to his actions in school though. He's treating me coldly, giving me stares in school, as though I was his enemy. It was as though, I had offended him in a way or another. I dunno why. I'm feeling more and more depressed. I should feel better as time passes rite? But I dunno why, I'm feeling worse. Wierd rite? *siGh* I just hope things go for the better for me for the nect few days. Tests are coming up again. I just wanna do really well this time round and for my 'O' Levels. This way, I can enjoy in the later part. hEex~*
 
...gEr gEr is hoping for the better...

Hiyo!

Been really tired, stressed out and depressed these few days. Seemed to be thinking alot of the past lately. Thinking of the words he said, the things we done and the memories we had. Really, its difficult to forget. How to? Accumulated seven months of memories. That's quite a lot. I used to think that we don't have enough memories, compared to many others. If we had accumulated somemore, maybe my world will come crashing down. I dunno and I dare not think about that.

He promised me time and again that he will not leave me, but he still did. He promised me that he will take care of me forever because I didn't know how to take care of myself, but he lied. He said that he will keep me in his heart forever, even if he had another girlfriend or even have a wife in the future, he will still love me and remember the memories, I wonder if they are true. He promised not to hate me in exchange with a break-up, but he lied. He promised a friendship in exchange with me forgetting him, but he lied. Actually, I myself know that, on the day we break, he will stop loving me and might even hate me one day, but I didn't know that this would come so soon. I didn't know that this day would come right after one day of fun with him at his house, playing tickling like two children, running around the house. It was just one day after this fun, and he started to changed his attitude towards me. Unexpectable, isn't it? I didn't expect it too.

Remembered once, after we break, we went to a bowling centre for a game. He treat me to those games and when he injured his hand, he asked me to kiss it for him. When he got down the bus, he still waved at me good-bye. That day, I was really very happie. I thought that things might change. He might come back. But, no. He didn't. He started to change his attitude towards me. Looks like everything wasn't real. It seems like those days after we break, the fun we had, were all a dream to me. Its like, when I wake up, everything changed back to normal, I had to go back to reality. If its really like that, I wanna sleep forever. I wanna dream forever. Like that, maybe he will never leave me. Maybe I could still have kept him by my side. Maybe.. Maybe.. Maybe...

Hiyo!

Three months ago, 10th April 2004(Saturday), we broke up. The next day, the television had a charity programme. On 12 April 2004(Monday), he asked for a patch. But we weren't as happy as before. On 17 April 2004(Saturday), we broke up again. And on the next day, there is another charity programme. Sounds familiar? This month, it is exactly the same. 10th July is a Saturday. 11th July also have a charity show. 12th July is a Monday. 17th July is a Saturday and 18th July will have a charity show. Everything is happening exactly like what happened that month. Does that mean things are going to change for the better... or for the worse again...? Like, are we going to quarrel again? I dunno. I dare not think of the future anymore. The higher the hopes, the greater the disappointment.

Anyway, lets just hope things change for the better. But, please, I wun get my hopes too high. I dunno to be heart broken and cry all over again. For the whole of the month. For the nights before I sleep. Its been three months. Three months since I last had him by my side. Three months since I hugged him. Will I get back into his arms again one day...?

..Thinking. Hoping. Wishing..

Hiyo!

*siGh* Yesterday, for no apparent no reason, he accussed me again. He said that I always prank call his house. Never mind about that. He were talking to my friend about me. So my friend came and asked me about it. I said don't have already, he thinks that my friend is siding me and went to block him in MSN as well. What the...?

I really was angrie, bad mood, disappointed, sad and no mood altogether. Mixed emotions. It is like, for no reason, he accussed me, and this is not the first time. Maybe I can say I got used to it. But I'm really very guilty. Coz of me, boi boi made another enemy in the class. I asked a fren to help me tok to him to ask him not to think that boi boi is siding me already. If he really go and make enemies withe that friend as well, he seriouls is having attitude problem.

However, despite of all these, I still love him. I dunno why. Only that its becoming lesser and lesser. I cannot tolerate people accussing me. Okay, once, I can still accept and say, "Maybe it is all a misunderstanding.". But not the second time. There can't be always misunderstandings happening so often between two pple can it? If it is really like that, I will see it as a way of trying to find things about me. *siGh* What should I do?...

Hiz!

Bored so went to take some quizzes. Here are my answers. Do them if you are too. Hahaz.

What is the coour of your heart?

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

What's yours?

What type of love do you need?

LOVING ONE. You need safety in your relationship.
You want to be sure in his/her arms, knowing
that he will protect you and you can be totally
devoted to your other. At this point you are
very vulnerable. You open yourself and dont
even think that he/she could cheat you. You
totally trust your partner in every single way.
SO if you find out that she/he lied to you or
played a game this trust is broken. You may try
to forgive your other but this will be very
difficult.He/She has to be friendly and
trustworthy.


~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla

What about you?

What sign of affection are you?

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

What about yours?

What kinda of kiss are you?

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

What about you?

What kinda girl are you?

A GIRLY-GIRL. You dont have a lot of self-esteem
and people are always bringing you down for
being sad. What do they know, anyway? You feel
like youre too mature for your age and are
frustrated by the trend-followers who refuse to
accept you because youre not like them.

Your virtues: Intelligence, understanding nature,
modesty.

Your flaws: Lack of social life, inferiority
complex, timidity..



You might like this game, but maybe it's not your
thing. Take a look anyway if you are
curious:

www.life-blood.vze.com


What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Haha. You?

Hiz!

Things got worse for me. *siGh* The girl knows who she is though. But, I dunno if the guy knows abt it. I'm selfish. I know I am one selfish person. But, I really love him a lot. I dun wan any others to have him, I dun wan him to love any other girl. But how long can I hope for this? He once said he dun wan to get married and wanna commit sucide when he gets old. But, these are all naive thinking... It can't happen. He's the only son in the family. And also, these thinking won't last.

Selfish girl. That's what I am. But, I have to be in love... *siGh* maybe I'll update later again.. [no mood..]

..Selfish ger ger..

*siGh*

I cried again today. I shouldn't have made myself miserable and called him. I shouldn't even have called and asked him if he was still angrie. I got scolded for no reason again. Who else could I look for when I cry? I don't want to disturb Chinn Yi anymore, I'm afraid that Kleo would be busy with her boyfriend and I don't talk about things lydat to my other friends except boi boi.

I really give up. I dun wish boi boi to be right about his guess. His guess that his anger will appease only after he achieved what he wants - the girl he likes. Maybe its not right to put it in here. I don't want that person to get the wrong idea though and also, I don't wanna believe that that will happen. *I dun wanna accept the fact!*

I'm becoming the old me again. Only that things are getting worse. I don't give up after my hand is bruised and painful after I hit the wall and everytime I try to rub it to make it feel better. My right hand. The joints on my right hand. I dunno what will happen to them if one day, something I don't wish it to happen happen to me. I dunno if my fingers are going to break. I dunno if I'm going to bleed to death or something gross happen to me. I dunno what will I do to myself. I really dunno. Look, only a guess and I have bruised my hand and maybe hoping that they break off and my hand cannot be used. What if they do?..

..Will things change to the way I dun wan them to?..

*siGh*

Long time since I last updated. But, I'm still feeling dat same old feeling - depressed. But what isit that I can do? Nothing. Will he even forget abt the past hatred and bury it? The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference, so its shudn't be past hatred right? I dunno what isit called though.

Today in class, I have been talking to kleo about my and his past memories. Felt a bit more depressed, yet also relieved. I have been wanting to say all these out. Maybe to say it so that its not all stuck in my head and in my heart. Depressed, because it makes me think of all of them all over again. I'm really missing him these few days. Last few days, I have even went to the extent of hitting my fist into the wall, hoping it will bruise, hoping that the pain will make the one in my heart grow numb. But it doesn't. It bled on my third finger. It was horrible. Now my wall is stained with blood. Blood which contained sadness, heartbroken-ness and memories that we once shared. Its like the memories that are in me. It will stay forever. Maybe it takes time for it to heal and be forgotten and not be obvious again like the blood stains on the wall, but how long will it take for me?

Everyday, I have been laughing and playing in class, making it look as though I no longer care for his exsistence. But I still do. When everyone is listening in class or is noisy talking to others, I will look towards his direction, hoping that one day he will look at mine too. But who ever knows what happens to me at home after school and at night? I cry myself to sleep sometimes, and wake up in the morning, feeling very lost, knowing of no directions in life, thinking of how am I going to start the day. When I reach home after school everyday, I eat, watch tv, play the computer, eat dinner and I start doing my homework and start playing the computer again. I keep myself busy, hoping I will spare no time to miss him. But he still takes up a part of me.

**See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.**

Missing him.

Low JiaQian
01 October 1988
Libra
Staff Nurse

Graduation! - 22 MAy 2008
Sentosa Trip! - 26 July 2008
Trip to Night Safari! - 11 October 2008

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