I'm in a midst of looking for information for my project when I started to blog-hop. I cant seem to find the information I want.

I went out with my mum just now and I bought my dress for my aunt's wedding. Hmm, but its not a white dress which I initially wanted. Its so not like me to continue finding for a white one. I actually settled for this one with the pressure from my mum telling me that there is not much time left. Oh well..

I'm suddenly so tired. Tired of everything.

I haven't heard from him for 2 weeks. I hope everything is fine and his court case thingy is okay already. Yes, I still miss him - I won't deny it. In fact, I want so much to tell him. But, I dont have the courage to even talk to him now.

It's been a long time since I really thought about those days. And when I was in school today, I thought about him all of a sudden.

The day he rushed down to have a late late dinner with me. The day he lent me and put his jacket on for me when I was cold. The day we had the dinner at orchard. The day he allowed me to lie on his shoulder. The day...

I smiled for a moment when the memories came. But, the smile was gone in seconds. Because I can never be this close with him anymore.

Went for my grandma's birthday dinner just now. I dun even know what happened to me - I threw up everything in the middle of the dinner. My intention to go just to the toilet ended up with alot of vomitus in the bowl. I lost all my appetite and till now, I still feel like vomitting.

Recieved a bad news the moment I reach home just now. I really hope everything is fine for her. I'll be here for you at anytime of the day. =)

Couldn't get to sleep last night. Only slept at 3 and woke up at 11. I'm still not tired.

I cant seem to tag at my tagboard.
So to shawn: I cant smile while crying. I can only laugh while crying. Lols. I dun wan to be like you! =p But you know something, it's getting harder to hide my feelings. Thanks for always being there to cheer me up.

I miss him badly.

It's been 12 days since I last saw him.

Pleaseee. Just let me see him one last time. And I'll really get over him.

I promise.

He used to be able to put a smile across my face at this kinda times. But now, he seems to be adding on to the sorrows.

On the journey home from school today, I thought about us, the good memories and the fights. I still cant understand why did this happen so suddenly. Its only about a month plus when he planned my birthday surprise for me. It was only 4 days after we had celebrated our 3-monthsary. Perhaps, I'm just not smart enough to see the relationship going wrong.

Throughout this 3months, it was only me always showing my attitude, throwing tantrums and it was always him being nice and giving in. He tried to give me all that I wanted, yet I still felt insecure because of someone that I know will never win his heart again. Perhaps, its all these that's led him to the decision?

Why the sudden no time? We used to make time even it was just for a short 1-hour lunch break. That's time spent right?

Where is the us that enjoyed each other's company during the dinners before we were together? Where is the us that enjoyed each other's company during the fireworks display & zoo trip? Where is the us at Pulau Ubin's chalet during my 18th birthday?

Then, I was thinking - is it my fault that the relationship turned out this way? I want so much to ask him out for a talk. A nice & calm talk to find out what happened. But I don't have the courage to hear the truths. I really don't.

I read this from Chinnyi's blog to me:
"I know that you're strong enough to step out of this 'trap' on your own. Dont bother about what he says about you or do to you anymore because you should know that it no longer makes a difference in your life from now on. =) I'm always here for you 24/7."

Thanks girl. She made me realise there's someone out there who believes that I'm strong enough to move on without him. For once, I'm not going to doubt myself that I can do it. Maybe she's right about something. But, I don't dare to hope anymore.

Another friend told me, "You're still feeling sad and hurt because he didn't give you a good answer to what happened in the relationship. Saying that he has no time for you isn't a good enough answer. See, you were willing to go all the way down to suntec just for a one-hour lunch with him. This is already time spent. It's his loss for not treasuring you. Don't cry anymore, girl."

When she told me this, tears flowed down again. Maybe she's right. Maybe a better answer would make me feel better. But I don't think I'm that good a girl though.

I still choose to trust him.

Can I be emo in this entry for one last time? He deleted all the posts that I added after we broke up on our shared blog. I'm having mixed emotions now. I dunno if I should be angry or sad. A blog is supposed to put our feelings in right? Yet with just a few clicks of his mouse, he deleted those posts all together and he even said I was childish. But, I was like that when he knew me - and he used to like me because he said I was "cute". All of these feelings are all gone.

Every single time I decide to move on, he comes back doing something to hurt me. Its like vicious cycle. I'm moving on now. Give me some time will you? Yes, I'm a nurse but this is not any other wound. Its a broken heart. I'm still nursing it. Please don't traumatise it anymore will you? I'm trying very very hard to move on. But have you ever wondered, you wanted to move on alone, but do I want to move on without you? Do you realise that the many promises you made have actually made an impact in my life? I know its not alot, but it meant alot to me.

He said he's going to bring me overseas once every year - starting from next year, Hongkong. He said he's going to bring me for a shopping spree at VivoCity when he's slightly more free from work. He said we'll go Sentosa on one of the weekends to play & relax. He said he's going to bring me to the zoo once every year since we went on National Day. He said he's going to obtain the tickets to next year's National Day for me. He said I'm going to be the last girl he'll ever date. He said if there's a chance, he's going to bring me to his company's annual Dinner & Dance to show his colleagues what a "great girlfriend" he have. He said he'll bring me to catch the sunset at this reservior in Singapore. He said he's going to start to save up for his marriage. So that by the time after I graduate for 3 years, we'll be able to get married.

But they'll never be done anymore. I've learnt to accept it. But he doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm still hoping for a patch. From the day he rejected the patch, I've given up all hopes. It's so unlike me to beg and I won't. I won't say I'm going to commit sucide just to get him back. It won't help.

I'm going to move on now. But I guess I'll still be waiting for this short period of time. But at the end of all these, I'll really move on in life.

The reason I cried today in school, was not all because of the failure of my test. I was left alone for a while when Evon and the others walked away, I started to miss him. At the point when Kleo was there, I really felt so much to hug her and tell her how much I missed him. But, I had to be strong, correct?

I asked him yesterday for a patch. It was so unlike me. But I did. I didn't get a positive answer. But I promised myself and I told him that would be the first and last time I'll be asking him. We will be friends. If right from the start, I chose to be selfish and allow the relationship to go on, we would have a harder time now. At least, we are friends now.

I really miss you. But you're no longer mine. You once told me, I won't lose you to anything - not even time, work or to any other persons. But it the end, I did. I lost you to work and to myself. The greatest mistake I ever made in this relationship is not being able to trust myself that you won't be gone. I'm sorry.

It's hurting so much inside. I know very well that my lessons start at 8am tomorrow morning. But I cannot get to sleep. I had originally decided to sleep at 10pm. If I had done so, I wouldn't have talked to him on the phone.

Why doesn't he realise how painful isit? Everyone else around me who knows know how much I'm hurting inside, but he seems oblivious to everything. Even though he knows its all because of him, he doesn't seem to bother.

When it comes to relationship, I'm a stubborn girl. I know very well its time to give up. I will. But give me some time alright? I won't hate you or blame you or tell everyone around me that you're a bad boyfriend. I won't because I know you're not. You know how it feels when you lose someone just a few days after the person said you won't lose him?

Since Wednesday, I really have never hoped for you coming back anymore because I want things to remain as it is. But why must you insist in it? All I hoped for was us to remain as friends. I don't want to lose a friend because of this. You're no longer the Johnny I know - the one who was once confident in himself that nothing can bring him down, the one that used to tell me how great he was. All I hear now is, tired, depressed and stressed. You can blame no one. Work should never be brought home in the first place. Stress should be left at where it is. Not bringing them home.

I choose to trust you one last time.

Had a small talk with Kleo today. Suddenly I realised maybe guys are just like that. They forget the little things that we used to do for each other.

I dunno if he remembers me going down all the way to suntec city from jurong during my holidays just to have a one hour lunch with him. He used to say, "that's very sweet of you."

I dunno if he remembers us going to strudel house and he making me smile with the way he wants me to decide what to eat. He said,"apple strudel is common, durian will make your mouth smell, peach will smell and taste nice, blueberry i havent tried before.."

I dunno if he remembers me staying up till 12mn just to finish baking the cookies that he wanted to eat. He said,"I'll wait for you to finish baking the cookies. I'll stay up with you."

I dunno if he remembers him saying, "you're the best girl I ever met.". I told him that he must have said to that all other girls he dated and he replied,"but I'm serious.".

I dunno if he remembers he saying,"You'll be the last girl I'll ever go out with.".

I dunno if he remembers how he used to whine when I choose not to wait for his calls. He said,"Why don't you want to wait for my calls anymore? You used to do so." But when I do it now, he says that I should go to bed early because of school.

I dunno if he remembers me going down bishan from jurong when he said he just wants to stay at home during the weekends.

I dunno if he remembers how he stroked my hair when I fell asleep on his lap because I was really tired and he was watching his VCD.

I want that old him back. Can I? Suddenly, not seeing him for 2 days seemed a week to me already. I dun even know if I was right to have taken the gamble right from the start. I dun even know if the friendship will go on.

Siyu told me today,"You must treat yourself better okay? Learn to kan kai yi dian. Because I have learnt to do so too." I was thinking, she have learnt to take things in her stride even before losing. I have already lost, what more can I lose?

Seeing that he's so busy nowadays, I have proven to myself that he didn't give me excuses. They were the truth.

He told me on Sunday,"We are special friends because I'll still hold your hands when we go out. Trust me, I won't hold any other girl's - at least not for the next 5 years." At that point, I was happy. But now, it's more of disappointment. Because I know that, we won't be able to meet that often.

I dunno when I'll be able to see the sunset - at that place we once self-declared that it belonged to us, the one he promised to see it with me.
I dunno when we'll be able to make the trip to Sentosa. The one he said we'll go to take the chairlift.

Everytime when he ask if I'm okay, I know I'm lying but I just told him I am. Because he wanted to see the strong side of me. Because he had only seen that side of me. The girl that can hold back tears and smile when everything is not going fine.

I tell myself everyday, things will be okay soon. I'm okay. I'm smiling. I'm cheerful. I take lectures more seriously, listening and taking down notes that is important. At least, time pass the fastest when I'm in school - joking with my girls and attending lectures.

Sometimes, I just felt like going down Suntec, sitting down at the chairs, hoping I'll get to see him when he comes down to smoke. But that's so silly. Or will girls just do irrational things for the one they love?

I dunno if I'm really okay with everything. He says I'm not. Since that Sunday, I haven cried anymore. My heart is falling apart. I practically feel my "heart breaking". But there is no more tears. Instead, I can still smile and laugh like before.

I am okay. I will be.

We came to a decision already.

I dunno if I'm truly happy now. But I guess as long as he's still here with me, I'll be.

How should I make the choice? He told me to say what I feel. I told him honestly. He said he wasn't as happy as before - because everytime he meets me, he feels so guilty deep down, because he says he feels that doesn't have enough time for me.

I was feeling insecure. Because deep down, I have his fear. Fear of losing him. Because I always feel that, there's this place in his heart that she has taken that I can never reach. Because he has once compared me to her. Because during our first few weeks, whenever she says she's upset or wadsoever, he'll be very concerned. But he says that its I don't trust him. If I don't, I would have kicked up a fuss whenever he says he''s going to meet a friend and ended up reaching home late.

Both choices he gave me doesn't make me lose him. But, I don't know what to choose. Can I allow myself to be selfish this one time and make him less happy?

First day of school today. Used to attachments I guess, I couldn't even decide what to wear to school. Lols. Overall was okay, got to see everybody else. I fell asleep on the first day second last lecture. Quite a boring module. About how people get chronic illness thingy. I hope I can stay awake for Bio lectures from this semester onwards. Haha.

Today's also the 3rd month-sary for us. So we went out for dinner after my school and his work. Went to this Taiwanese Restaurant near Boat Quay. Food was nice. But I didn;t have much appetite. I only ate about 5 mouthfuls of noodles and 2 xiao long bao then, I was already full.

I think I'm getting abit anorexic. I don't feel hungry at all after about one meal per day? All thanks to the new in-charge. She gives me so much stress on sales that I often continue working without dinner. I felt like vomitting after the macdonald's meal during my second break. Can take this chance to lose some weight. Lols.

School ends at 8pm tomorrow. =(

Haven been updating because my computer was down. It's alright now. Dunno what happened.

Been going out alot this holidays.
Work on Monday.
Stayed at home on Tuesday though.
Lunch with honey on Wednesday.
Went to Sue's house and honey's friend's cafe+pub on Thursday.
Work on Friday again.

Going to spend this weekends with my parents. I haven been spending my Saturdays at home for a long long time. Since he's going Batam during the weekends to visit a friend there whose wife just gave birth, I'm going to make my mum think I'm a good girl this week and pay for some of my shopping expenses. Lols.

But I'm gonna miss him.

Low JiaQian
01 October 1988
Libra
Staff Nurse

Graduation! - 22 MAy 2008
Sentosa Trip! - 26 July 2008
Trip to Night Safari! - 11 October 2008

kleo
chinnyi
francis
zeyan
grace
nathiya
6 babes
sue
huda
claire
chris
joo
jessica
shikin
caryn
lucius
mingli
kevin
chunkiat
xuanyou
bernard