I must have looked ugly today. Because I cried really badly. In front of Lincoln. So he was there to comfort me.

I'm really affected by what someone said to me. Its like joke of the year yet it very hurting. I won't say it here. I'll tell you if I want to.

No amount of explanation will make u believe me. Maybe only when you're cooled down. I can just say, I have never done anything to let you down or betrayed you during the whole relationship.

15 December 2006..





Me and my younger brother!


Lincoln & me!

Finally..

For once, I really broke down last night. Teared for like 20 minutes? I was just sitting in front of the com when all of a sudden, tears flowed down uncontrollably. Its the first time in this month that this happened. Been a long time.

Planned to go to the gym in the morning. Woke up, prepared but the rain started pouring again. Stopped only at 2 plus. Went out with Lincoln to Jurong Point at 3 plus. Ate a late lunch, walked around, played arcade, played at Toys 'R' Us, camwhored awhile then he sent me off to the bus stop where I took a bus to IMM to meet my mum. He's really not as bad as Yvonne made him out to be. He doesn't really know the reason that I'm sad but he's just there to cheer me up. Ha. He's one good friend.

My dad has a colleague with a one-year-old Golden Retriever to give away. His family initially had this dog first then they had another. They believed the other dog brought them luck so they don't want this one anymore. So, they wanted it out of the house so badly that my father's colleague had to put the dog at the office toliet for the time being. It's staying there now - in the night. Poor thing right? I'm trying to persuade my parents to allow me and my sis to keep this puppy as a pet. Its so cold now. Staying in the toliet doesn't help at all. I really hope they'll agree.

Blogger doesn't allow me to upload the photos I want to upload. Will do that soon again.

Was browsing through the photos Kleo send me the other day. To my horror, I actually looked quite horrible in one of the photos took in the beginning of December.


Look at the dark circles, eye bags and tired eyes! Gosh.

Never leave the one you love for the one you like, for the one you like will leave you someday for the one they love.

I love you not because I need you, but I need you because I love you.

Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man.

Never love a love that hurts. Never hurt a love that loves.

There are so many stars in the sky only some gets noticed. Among those that you choose to ignore is the one that is willing to shine for you forever even if your glance remained elsewhere.

The spaces between our fingers were created so that another person's fingers can fit them in.

Fate determines who comes into our lives, the heart determines who stay & the mind determines who'll flow in our memories.

I love standing in the rain. For no one will be able to see my tears when they fall.

I'll drop a tear into the ocean, the day you find it, will be the day I stop loving you.

Love the heart that hurt you, but never hurt the heart that loves you.

The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.

As big as the sky, as deep as the ocean, as wide as the universe. - it will no longer be said to me anymore.

For some people who knows, I have been having the same dream almost every night. Maybe not the exact same one but the characters and contents are more or less the same. But for some reason or other, my dream last night was a different one. Same characters, have some new ones but different content.

I dreamt of A** having a girlfriend - a new one. A short-haired girl whom I dunno in reality. I saw his side and back view. Saw him walking over to Kleo and someone else, talked to them for awhile. I was with another guy whom I dunno who as well. I called out to him, but he walked further and further away. I speed up to chase up. With that guy following me. Then, they got up a car and drove off. He saw me by the roadside but he refused to stop. Anyone can interpret dreams? Or is the dream just telling me something in a straightforward way? Oh! And I dreamt of having a black cat and an orange dog for pets. And I actually carried the pet cat and sort of kissed it. Eew! Cats! And this isn't the first time I'm dreaming of having a black cat as a pet.

Yay! Going out with ChinnYi, Kleo and MiaoSan tomorrow. Hmm, almost a month since I last saw ChinnYi. Hehe. Alright, I admit - I miss her.

**A - because I wanna avoid misunderstandings, names are not mentioned. Wanna find out? Ask me directly. Haha!

Photos!


Me and Phoebe!


Me and Lemuel!


Me and Xiao Qian!

24th December 2006..

Me & YanBing!


My all-time bestest friend - Kleo!

Merry Christmas to all! Had a long day but now that I'm home blogging, it feels so early. Went to the carnival at Expo in the afternoon and went over to Kleo's house for BBQ in the evening. It doesn't feel like 12 midnight now. I have been sms-ing but the lines are not jammed up at all.

I really need to thank BaoTing for always talking sense to me. But I guess it still takes time. Perhaps Kleo is right, is not that I'm "not that upset anymore" is that I'm "numbed" already. Was at her house and had a cup of red wine. Don't think its the effect on the wine but I actually think back alot of things. When we were sending MinMin and MiaoSan to the bus stop and back to her house. I cant help but think back a lot a lot of things.

The truth hurts, but the lies kill.

It's christmas eve already. I wanted so much to spend it with this special someone in my heart. That person's changed but I want the unchanged him on this special season. I want so much to wake up in the morning and realise it has just been a long long nightmare and its finally over. But today, I seem to have got the answer to the question I wanted long ago. That person didn't give me an exact answer but I dunno if I should still continue lying to myself. To that someone, no one knows what happened today so no one will know who are you and what is the sms. Don't worry.

Played mahjong the whole night today but didn't get to win any. Because the seats were always taken by different people and its hard to differentiate who won or lost the money so everything was just a game. Hmm, new year! Hehe.

Had abalone, turkey, pork and many other dishes for dinner just now. Oh! Plus chocolate fondue. Hehe. My uncle bought that fountain thingy from carrefour. Yummy! Got a pendant and a pair of earrings for christmas present from my uncle and auntie. They must have spent alot. She said it was white gold. Its the way the rich spend money? Lols. I really envy them. Not having to worry about life.

Heard this phrase from a drama serial the other day: "This is the evidence of our love. The more painful it is, the more powerful was its existence." So true. If you didn't really put in a lot of effort into one relationship, no pain will be felt after it.

I know I'm going to be misunderstood by someone again. So, before that happens, I'm going to say I'm sorry and I hope you don't get the wrong idea again. You know who you are..

Anyway, going over to my aunt's house erm, later? Haha. I just love the way they always make christmas nice for us all since we were young. From toys to angbaos. Lols. See how much we have grown over the years. Hmm, getting older soon.

I wanted to upload the photos. But blogger wouldn't allow me. =(

I'll do it another day.

Didn't stay for Joo's surprise birthday celebration just now. Though I have the permission to stay out late but since I'm going to be broke soon, I decided to leave early when she had to stay even after her work. Sorry Joo!

Had a super full dinner at Marina South. Time for workout tomorrow. I hope I really will do it. Have to stop procastinating.

What have I been doing during the holidays? Lemme think, I have been slacking at home and doing nothing. Dunno how many kilos will be added on me again. Haha. Been planning to start exercising but I have been procastinating the plan. Lols. Friday.. I'll either go swimming or go to the gym. Anyone? Hehe.

4 more days to Xmas. I'm not looking forward to it at all.

I'm not okay. I really am not. Its been suppressed for too long inside me. I'm sorry but if I don't let it out, I'm going to break down soon.

I found out things I shoudn't have and its making me unhappy. But hey, 11 more days is all I have. Or isit, all YOU have?

Almost everyone's on holiday. SiYu went to Korea, ZeYan went to Hong Kong and ChinnYi went to Genting/KL. Hmm, they must be having fun. Especially SiYu - she's having a white christmas this year.

Should be going to bed soon. Everyone is telling me that my dark circles are so dark that they are yellowish below. Hmm, I cant see it myself though. Have been looking in the mirror but I don't seem to see it. Lols.

I'm half looking forward to christmas. You guys should know why.

Was reading blogs and I came across this phrase that I found quite true: "Never regret things that has once made you smile". I used to think, is everything wrong from the start and stuffs. But, this phrase really made me realise that I shouldn't. I had more happiness than sadness then. So there shouldn't be anything that I have to regret about right? Hehe.

I gave myself a challenge and considered that as an end-of-year resolution. Not too convinient to say it here but there is people who knows about it. I hope I can do it. Well, I know I will.

And I finally managed to swop the SIM card out of the phone. Yay! I'm a happy little girl now. =)

When I was out with my friends today, guess what? My mum and dad actually bought me the phone I had wanted for christmas present. Sony Ericsson's Z610i in PINK! Hehe. I love them!

But the sad part of this whole thing is that, I cant open the battery cover of the phone to swop the SIM card. Damn! Its like looking at the phone, not being able to use it. *siGh* I'll try opening it by tonight.

Baked cookies for the 6 babes, the hippos & Kleo yesterday. Had positive feedback from them. Yay! I'm happy. But its no wonder its nice because its from premix. Lols. I'm trying to look for recipes to really bake one on my own. When I do, you guys will be the first few to eat them too! Hehe.

But while I was baking them, I thought about him. Argh! Let's not talk about him. Was chatting with Siwei these few nights and we realised how much each other has changed. Lols.

And hey! I realised I really am fortunate. I have friends who are always there for me. So whoever who wants to destroy this friendship, you might have to try very hard. So my Happy2ndFriend, if you're down, don't forget I'm here too. =) Oops, and Kleo too. Hehe. I'll never forget these two people who are 24/7 there when I need them. Thanks.

Its 3am now. I'm supposed to be in bed but I cant get to sleep. I'm confused. Yes or no? Trust or not?

I'm so tempted to take that can of beer in my fridge, gulp it down and pop into bed.

Dear Santa, please grant me my wish for Christmas this year. I promise I will be a good girl next year.

She was once his girl. Its no wonder she would wanna say things bad about me and us. But her motive? No one knows.

Sleepless nights.
Quiet phone.
Misses.
Tears.

I miss him.

Christmas - We planned to spend in together. We even had a rule that presents for this occassion should all be handmade. But, it'll never be exchanged. I no longer look forward to this 2 weeks of holidays. I planned to do the present and go down every single day for meals with him. But everything I've planned can never happen.

Holidays - Should feel excited and planned with many, many activites. Yet, I don't have any now. All gone.

Santa, you know my wish for christmas. I know I haven't been a nice girl. I have no hopes. But I long for that unfulfilled sunset trip. And the sentosa trip. And the christmas chalet. And the handmade present. And the old him back. Not the present one. I want that old him. On 06 August 2006.

No. I'll be fine alone. =)

I'm like missing him again? I told myself many times today, "Jia Qian! Don't think about him already.". But it never works. Someone, give me a slap or something?

3 months is considered a short period only. But the memories we've created is alot. Its scary. I've been dreaming alot about him these few days - sweet dreams to be exact. I've tried sleeping as little as possible to minimise the dreams. So, if I get really stoned these days, don't blame me okay people?

Looking forward to the Sentosa trip next week with Mel, Joo, Chris, Phoebe and the rest! Hehe.

PS: Names will not be mentioned here to prevent any misunderstandings.

I never thought such a description about me would come out from your mouth. I never thought that the trust I had in you was being made use. Maybe during the relationship, you had never lied to me once about her. But to know that you actually contacted her really made me feel very betrayed.

There are people telling me that the relationship you share with her is very complicated and you have never once had a clean break. I once always suspected that you still contact her but I always told myself to believe you.

Maybe I should have known that there's still someone you cannot let go.

To Johnny: I'm just trying to explain things nicely to you here. I can swear that I have never said anything bad about you in front of anybody. You can ask anyone and I didn't make up another reason for the break-up. I didn't go out with Mel and the rest to get to know more about you or what. I went out with them because they asked me out and I treat them as friends. I dunno what isit that made you think this way but I never once done all these to you. I had to talk to people when I'm feeling angry or down and my friends are just being angry for me. Sometimes, you have to understand, if you really want people to think about your feelings, you should think about others too. Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. I can choose to ignore what you said to me or about me but because I still care for the FRIENDSHIP that's why I'm explaining to you. If you really think or know that I said anything about you that you feel that its something bad, tell me then. Because I'm sure I've never done all that to you.

If your motive is to make sure that I'll get very angry and fall into depression or whatsoever, you've half succeeded.

You can ask anybody - anybody that I know, I have NEVER badmouth you at all! None of them. I've never talked to anybody about you. Baoting and the rest don't have my blog address. So when have I ever badmouthed about you to anybody?

Secondly, I've never made use of anyone to get close to you. Whether like you said, your friends or God. I went out by invitation by them.

"If you were really nice to them, they wouldn't be here for me now. Yes, you said you do things for them. But have you really treated them as real friends?" - I didn't say they don't like you or what. If you really treated them as friends, you would at least give them a call to talk to them. But you have never done that. I didn't mean them. The statement was to you, not to them. And I have never pretended to be nice to them. For what?
What are you talking about betraying who? Who did I betray? For this time, I've the confidence in myself that I have not done anything wrong.

For once, I really think we can read each other's mind.

Yes, I cracked the password long ago. But I didn't say anything.

I was telling myself in school that, I'm going home to change the password so that he cannot delete that blog. And, the moment I'm home, the blog is deleted.

Is this telepathy or what?

But I was really angry this morning. Who is the childish one now? Intruding into my privacy and controlling who I hang out with. Sorry to say, you no longer have the right to intrude into this personal space of mine. You gave up the right to do so 3 weeks ago. This blog belongs to me 2 and half years ago. What gives you the right to control what should be posted and what shouldn't?

What right have you got to control the people around you and me who to make friends with? If you were really nice to them, they wouldn't be here for me now. Yes, you said you do things for them. But have you really treated them as real friends? They have really been nice to me and I have never wanted to get close to them because of you.

No one is badmouthing you at all. Stop imagining things. If you yourself know that you have not done anything wrong in this relationship, what are you scared of? There is nothing to say about you then. Please la. Think of it carefully.

All I wanted back was my 18th birthday photos. Hey, its MY 18th birthday photos. I told you already, I won't have anything more to do with you after this. And I mean it. I just want all those photos back. They also belong to ME.

Up till this moment, I don't understand why has things happened so suddenly. It was just days ago when you were so sweet to me and all of a sudden, I had to let go of you. I know its my fault for being so possessive, for not trusting you. But instead of helping me to feel more secure in the relationship, you chose to let me try to trust you and finally, give up this relationship.

You told me you felt guilty for having not enough time for me. But I have never once complained or mind. Because I knew you had to work. I really didn't mind having to wait till 2am when you tell me you are safely home.

At the point when you decided to break up, have you ever thought about the little things we have done for each other? And because of these little things I know that you have done for me, I'm unwilling to give up.

At the point when you asked me to make my decision and you said you'll respect it, did you really decide that you will respect mine? You didn't in the end. I respected yours by giving you up but you didn't respect mine.

On that fateful Sunday, I told myself you were not heartless. Because you were still there to tell me everything's going to be fine. You were still there to dry my tears when I cried. But now, I dunno if I can still tell myself that. I used to tell myself, believe him. He said he can't promise that he'll be back but he also didn't say that he won't be back. This is the last chance to believe him. I hold on to this belief every night to stop crying.

I still remember the night on 5th August when you rushed all the way down from Indoor Stadium to Orchard to have that dinner with me, you lent me your jacket when I said I was cold, you flagged the cab and said I was like a princess that you served, you allowed me to lie on your shoulder to rest, you accompanied me all the way to my doorstep and you sms-ed me late at night to sleep early for work the next day.

I still remember the night on 6th August when you came down to pick me up from work, when you sms-ed me that you were happy with me, missed me and think that you have fallen in love with me. You held me hand and asked me if I'll ever regret being with you.

I still remember going to the Strudel House on 7th August after school. You said we'll go there again.

I still remember going for the fireworks display on 8th August after your work.

I still remember going to the zoo with you on National Day and we played like 2 little kids there. I remember you promising to get the tickets to next year's parade and to go to the zoo on every National Day.

I remember the birthday surprise you planned for me. The chalet, the bicycle rides, the present, the cake and the sunrise.

I still remember the 2 nights when I have you falling asleep beside me, when we had each other to spend the night and day with.

Tell me its all a nightmare.

Went for a shopping spree at Vivocity with my parents just now. But it was not with him. But well..

Bought one pair of heels, one pair of slip-ons, one tube top from Fox and two tops from U2. Hehe. Everything not paid by me. Hehe. Yay.

I'm so looking forward to my aunt's wedding! Hehe.

Went out for a dinner with his church friends, or rather, my group of friends outside just now. Was talking to one of the girls and she asked me about the relationship. When I told her we broke up she was shocked and asked if she was the only one that didn't know. I told her she's not the only one. She then told me something which I made me feel better. Though I'm not a christian, but it just sounds quite true.

The summary of it is, God created us and so did He create the problems we'll meet in life. And since He created these problems, He has already found a solution. The reason He created them is just to make us a stronger person. And of course, she added things like, you'll find a better one next time and stuffs and told me not to cry because I guess I looked like I was going to tear when she asked.

But I'm really feeling alot more better now. Better than 3 weeks ago. Learnt to look at things from a different point of view and to be able to move on in life even without having to give up. =) I guess, I'll be stronger once more after this whole thing comes to an end.

Low JiaQian
01 October 1988
Libra
Staff Nurse

Graduation! - 22 MAy 2008
Sentosa Trip! - 26 July 2008
Trip to Night Safari! - 11 October 2008

kleo
chinnyi
francis
zeyan
grace
nathiya
6 babes
sue
huda
claire
chris
joo
jessica
shikin
caryn
lucius
mingli
kevin
chunkiat
xuanyou
bernard